Although a priest and never married, St. John Bosco (1815–1888) was a naturally gifted parent. For nearly a half-century of ministry in Turin, Italy, Don Bosco was a wonderful dad to hundreds of homeless boys. (“Don” is the Italian term of address for a priest). Today family-life professionals still regard him as an exemplar of excellent child-rearing. Don Bosco’s example and his teaching about raising children are evergreen, and because he faced many of the same challenges twenty-first-century parents do, he offers us much help and hope.

In 1841, Don Bosco came to Turin as a young priest in order to study theology. There he found hundreds of lonely youths without family or homes; many worked on construction projects in that rapidly growing city. He began to gather boys on Sundays for games, entertainment, picnics, prayer, and religious instruction. Soon he was housing boys in his mother’s home, providing them the care and safety of a family. Within fifteen years, Don Bosco was acting as a father for hundreds of youths. Relying on God to provide the resources, he built them dormitories, schools, workshops where they learned trades, and churches where they learned to worship God. He gave his “sons” many things, but most of all he gave them a father’s love.

 A Vocation to Raise Children for God

As a child, Don Bosco recognized that he had a vocation to care for boys. The calling came to him in a life-shaping dream when he was only nine. He saw himself in a field, surrounded by children who were yelling and fighting. He tried to calm them, first by persuasion, then by force. “Don’t use violence,” said a mysterious person. “Be gentle if you want to win their friendship.” The children had momentarily changed into wild animals, but now they appeared to become submissive lambs. Then, rising above the scene, a woman’s voice instructed John to “Take your crook and lead them out to pasture.” That dream set the course of his life and the pattern of gentleness that characterized his approach to parenting.

Like Don Bosco, parents have a vocation to care for children. When we got married, we agreed to collaborate with God by raising children who would become members of his divine family. Are we taking this vocation seriously enough? And do we act like lion tamers or like gentle shepherds with our children?

Showing and Telling Love

From Don Bosco we can especially learn how to express love for our kids in ways that make them feel it. He won the confidence of boys just by being with them. They knew he was truly interested in them, because showed them affection. He spent time with them, played with them, asked them about their lives, and listened to what they had to say. For example, in the evening when Don Bosco finally took his supper, boys would crowd around him. Between bites of food he would talk and joke with them, and they basked in the warmth of his fatherly presence until he sent them off to bed.

Mary Lou, my wife, and I have tried with some success to show and tell love to our seven kids “Don Bosco style.” For example, for many years we gathered one evening a week for a family night. Everyone was expected to be there. We played softball, read books aloud, played board games, went to museums. We always ended the evening with prayer, Scripture, and a nice dessert.

I also created other opportunities to be with my children. For instance, during the years when they were in school, we usually took a break from homework and other evening activities to congregate in the kitchen at nine o’clock for refreshments and conversation. I doubt I radiated as much warmth as Don Bosco, but “the snack” gave me a chance to show my kids that I cared about them.

Gentle Discipline

Don Bosco led his big family with gentle influence, rather than with strictness and harsh discipline. He inspired good behavior in his boys by encouraging a sense of personal responsibility, reducing opportunities for disobedience, and applauding their efforts to improve. When boys needed correction, he preferred mercy to punishment. He prescribed this approach to his coworkers:

Let us regard the boys as our own sons. Let us not rule over them except for the purpose of serving them better. This was the method Jesus used with the apostles. He put up with their ignorance and roughness and even their infidelity. He treated sinners with a kindness and affection that caused some to be shocked, others to be scandalized, and still others to hope for God’s mercy. And so he bade us to be “gentle and humble of heart.”

They are our sons, and so in correcting their mistakes we must lay aside all anger and restrain it so firmly that it is extinguished entirely. There must be no hostility in our minds, no contempt in our eyes, no insult on our lips. We must use mercy for the present and have hope for the future, as is fitting for true fathers who are eager for real correction and improvement.

If my children were to evaluate my approach to discipline against Don Bosco’s standard, I think they would say I did some things well and others poorly. They would appreciate that Mary Lou and I limited chances for disobedience by imposing only a few rules: obey direct commands (rarely given), always tell the truth, and don’t deliberately hurt anyone. But they would also say that, unlike the saint, I did not steer a steady course between the extremes of severity and laxity. Had I met Don Bosco earlier I might have done better;  now that you are encountering him, I expect that you will do better than I.

 Formation in the Faith

Don Bosco said that he aimed “to make the young delight in God.” That motto oriented all his efforts. He devoted himself to winning the confidence of his boys so that he could prepare them to live effective Christian lives. He arranged for them to be fully catechized in Catholic doctrine and practice. He frequently gave short, on-the-spot instructions about matters of faith. He also trained his boys in Christian service by creating opportunities for them to help others. Once when a cholera epidemic struck Turin, he organized them into teams to care for the sick and to bury the dead. And he helped them discern their life direction, pointing some to trades or professional careers and many to the priesthood.

Mary Lou and I have tried to seize every opportunity to win our children for God and invite them to delight in him. We put them in schools or parish religious education classes where they learned the Catholic faith. At home we gathered them nightly for family prayer, which gave us chances to draw them nearer to God and instruct them about the Christian life. And we involved them in Christian service, sending some, for example, to summer work camps where the experience of helping needy people profoundly affected them. Like Don Bosco, we did our best to prepare our children to live supernaturally amid their daily circumstances and trials.

Don Bosco’s “System”

Once someone asked Don Bosco to explain the key to his “system” of childrearing. “My system! My system!” said the saint. “But I don’t know it myself! I have had only one strength—to go ahead as God and circumstances inspired me.” His reliance on the Holy Spirit to guide him in caring for his sons should encourage all dads and moms.

We often face challenges with our kids and puzzle over what we should do. In such situations, Don Bosco’s “system” was to pray and then act, counting on the Lord to direct his efforts. This approach works because it is part of God’s design for Christian family life.

Our children do not belong to us. They are God’s. He gives us his sons and daughters to raise for life in his divine family. And he gives us all the grace we need to do the job well. So for many years I have included in my morning prayers not only intercession for each family member, but a prayer to the Holy Spirit. I ask him for the grace I need to lead my family or guidance for resolving a sticky situation with a son or daughter. Then I just go about my day applying Don Bosco’s “system”—doing what seems best and trusting that the Spirit is nudging me in the right direction.

But Don Bosco’s system had another strength, one that energized every aspect of his fatherhood. “I have promised God,” he wrote, “that until my last breath I shall have lived for my poor young people. I study for you, I work for you, I am also ready to give my life for you. Take note that whatever I am, I have been so entirely for you, day and night, morning and evening, at every moment.” Parents who want to raise their children for God “Don Bosco style” will embrace their vocation with his brand of total dedication.